She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We need to get me chipped asap
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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