I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
