if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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