Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
