party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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