I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish my penis had a tongue
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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