glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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