cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
