i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
