In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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