just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
