i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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