I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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