Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
