Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How's work?
Spinning.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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