I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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