when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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