This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
did you just send me my own nude
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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