how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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