there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
