it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
