I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
