Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize