i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
