I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize