I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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