it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
