I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
