Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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