You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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