I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
