Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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