The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
