The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
