I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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