ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
