Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
