It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's get the cat blown out
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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