she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
