sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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