You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
