You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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