I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
