Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my phone needs a breathalizer
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
