He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Boobs are out for the taking
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
