dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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