I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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