Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
