I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
