It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
