It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
