I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
