I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
