When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
