Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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