We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
