I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
