dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I forgot wine drunk hurts
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
