Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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